Tao...

Today was a magical day.  I feel like I just came out of a Disney movie!  I got to meet and take yoga class with the most amazing teacher.  She is 95 years old.  95!!  Can you even imagine being 95?  I know that I can’t.  And I can only dream about being 95 and still being able to walk, let alone touch my toes.  But this woman does more than touch her toes…She does things that some people can’t do at 20. 

But what she really did is teach me some very important lessons, lessons that I can only hope that everyone would learn.  She taught about love.  Loving everyone and everything is so important to her.  The woman smiled the entire time.  Not a fake smile because everyone was looking at her but a real smile, a smile that comes from within and radiates outward because her heart is filled with love.

She taught about living in the moment, this moment, right now.  How much more precious is life when we are present?  How much more enjoyment would we get if we lived for right now this very moment instead of worrying about every little thing that comes to mind.  If we understood that this moment will end so quickly and the next will be here shortly, maybe we could endure a little more hardship.   Every moment doesn’t have to be bliss but we should be present for every moment and then let it pass.  Move with time so we aren’t stuck in the last moment.  So we can fully experience all that life has to offer.

She said not to procrastinate.  HHMMM!  That’s a tough one for me.  But I think she might be on to something there too. If we just do the next thing we don’t have to think about it later. 

It is my hope that all of you will learn these same lessons.  I would love for all of us to just live joyfully.  We only get a short time to live. And if we are truly blessed we get 95 years!  

Pregnancy

I guess it is because I'm pregnant...or maybe because I'm surrounded by pregnant mothers all the time..

But lately I can't seem to focus on anything but the ins and outs of childbirth, the things that Dr.'s say to their patients, the way my own midwives view pregnancy, birth and everything in between.

Today I need to focus on the psyche of a pregnant mother at the end of her pregnancy.  In the past couple weeks two of the mother's that I work with have had c-sections.  They are both young and healthy.

What bothers me most is that you can watch the set up happen.  I listen as the new mother gets closer to her due date...I hear things like "the dr. said the baby is coming any day", or "the head is very low" and "they think I'm going to go soon".

Now I know that Dr.s go to medical school and study for years to become Doctors, but that doesn't make them God!  There is no way to know when a mother is going to begin labor except to either wait until she goes into labor or to encourage labor to start with a synthetic drug.  So why do these doctors say things like this?  It's like they are setting up the mothers to be impatient, or to request induction..or worse to request a cesarean.

We all know our baby is coming out "soon"...but the perspective of soon to a pregnant mother compared to the rest of the world is very different.  So maybe these doctors should clarify that the baby will be coming soon becuase you are nearing the end of your pregnancy.  Maybe we should all be a little more patient.  Gestation can take up to 42 weeks.but by 40 weeks and 2 days people are usually planning their induction..  And once that fails they are planning their c-section...and after one you might as well have another.  And then in order for the doctors to feel justified in their decision they say things like "oh it's a good thing, your pelvis is too small."  Does God really make our pelvis too small to deliver an average sized baby?  Or is it just something to ease the pain and set up the next c-section?

Friends..

Sometimes it is just SSSSOOOOO annoying to be pregnant!  I pee my pants so often.  And I can't keep up with the laundry.  And when I'm pregnant I only have two or three pairs of comfortable pants!  AAAAHHHH!  But I'm not staying there.  I will not complain about peeing my pants or Noah peeing my bed or being tired.  I will not complain about anything because the verse on my fridge, the one that I'm trying to get the kids to memorize, fits me too!  Do everything without complaining or arguing! Phil 2:14  So in trying to teach my children how to get along, I have learned that I complain an AWFUL lot.  I have absolutely nothing to complain about.

Today I have two friends that are struggling.  Struggling to just move forward in their days.  I was so grateful to be able to go and help, to relieve some of the pressure.  She is so beautiful and it is so upsetting to watch post partum depression have it's way in her life.  I found myself praying for her while I just held her baby and Noah played with her son.  I am grateful today for my struggles because although at the time I thought I might not make it through, I know now how to help another mother going through similar feelings.

My other friend, I'm completely helpless!  I have no idea what to say.  I don't know what I can do to even begin to take an ounce of the pressure off.  Her 3 year old has brain cancer.  He is so sick.  He is so thin.  He is so frail.  I think that if we let ourselves we could even believe that he may be dying.  It's the most horrific thing that I've ever witnessed.  I have prayed along with thousands of others,  every day for over a year for God to heal him.  I have asked for him to give them strength.  I don't know how long he expects that they can do this for but it is simply horrific.  I wish that I could do or say something.  I find that even my emails are just one or two lines.  I want her to know that she is always on my mind.  But I have no idea what to say.  It sure seems silly to me to complain about wetting my pants or having to wash my sheets for the third time in three days.  And the amazing thing about this friend though is that she always seems to care about what is going on in my not so dramatic life.  God I just pray blessings on their family.  I pray for healing for that little boy.  I pray that you continue to remain right by their side as the endure the unthinkable.

Yoga

I love yoga..I love the safety that I feel in just being in my body.  No judgements just observing..it is absolutely amazing what I can observe in an hour long practice on the mat.  Today I went into yoga with a purpose, my purpose being to detox my body, to get rid of all of the carrot cake, wine and cheesy goodness that I ate yesterday.  I always crave yoga when I wake up feeling my physical worst. 

But while I was there I got so much more than a detox of the body.  The detox was also cleaning out my brain and there were these wet things dripping from my eyes.  While I was practicing, going from one twist to the next, from one side of the body to the other, I realized that my teeth were clenched.  My bottom jaw is so tight.  I am holding on to something. Oh and it is hurting me!  I twist some more and some more...some balancing twists. Oh those are rough ones today.  Did you ever notice just how difficult it is to do something when you are trying so hard.  If I could only relax, breath and let it go. Then and only then can I actually receive the benefit of doing the pose.  Why do I continue to force things rigid and holding my breath?  It is so much nicer to just go with the flow.

So I ended my class as I end all classes, in sivasana.  Only this time there are these tears rolling out of my eyes and dripping onto my mat and I can't find the willpower to top them.  So instead I listen to the beautiful sound of Chris' voice and just let them roll.  Heal me Lord.  Here is my pain, my sorrow, my trouble for today.  Take it and heal me.  Thank you Jesus for meeting me on my mat today.  I can't wait for the next time.

the tears and joy of motherhood...

I left this Friday to go have a slumber party with two of my favorite friends.  I was so excited to get away.  I left Mark in his sweat pants lounging around the house.  He had over a week off of school because of a fire in the Science lab.  He asked me to pray for him.  He was nervous about his very first drill this weekend.  I have to confess, I was a little nervous for him.

I can't even believe I left before he had to go.  I am making great strides in letting him go.  Although I couldn't sleep all night and woke up countless times thinking, I hope he gets up on time.  But he made it there all by himself. 

When he walked in Sunday afternoon all I could do was cry.  He looked so handsome, so grown up, so much like a young man.  When I left he was still my little boy and now 2 days later he's all grown up.  I'm so so proud.  I pray that God takes care of him and shows him what he needs to do.  I pray that he keeps him safe. 

It is unbelievable to me how fast a child's life is.  I feel like I just had him on my belly saying hello for the very first time.  And now he's a man.  Thank you Lord for seeing us through to this point.  Thank you for keeping him safe and for always helping me to raise him.  Thank you for leading me to the recruiter.  I believe with all of my heart that thisis where he is supposed to be and that he will grow into a wonderful man. 

Oh Mark I love you so much!  Be Blessed my son!

James 1:4

It's funny but for years I've memorized the verse James 1:2-3 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers , wheneveryou face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."  But last night, I read past that verse and on to the next one. 1:4 "Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."  and then not 2 minutes later Sarge pissed right on the page.  Yes, all over my Bible...AH perseverance!  Lord, I'm not sure how mature and complete I'm getting. But I am sure that I am losing my strength.  I can't feel you working.  I know you are ALWAYS there yet, I can't find you.  I'm so very tired and looking for rest.  Maybe I'm looking for the wrong type of rest.  I am not good at waiting and I know that is what I'm doing right now.  Perhaps that's what you are wanting me to do.  Graciously wait for you to fix these problems.  I pray that for today I can wait, I can persevere, I can be patient and trust that you have got this under control.  I also pray for my husband as he is needing your hand on him today.  Please help him to relax and to understand that it's only a job.  Please give us the peace that we know is right at our fingetips.  Show us how to reach for it and how to rest in you.  In Jesus name I pray!  AMEN

it's funny

It's funny that no matter how many times I have raised a two year old, or how many I've been around that they can still stump me.  You never get your PhD in motherhood.  I don't think that you ever "graduate".  I thought that by the time Noah came along I'd have this all down pat.  But boy was I wrong.  The little man stumps me daily.  He leaves me breathless and frustrated to the point of tears.  I'm still clueless as to what to do next with him.  When he is having his fits in the grocery store or in the house, I still find myself scrambling to figure out what to do.  I try this and that...but nothing seems to "work like a charm".  The only thing that I have learned in the past 18 years of being a mommy is that "NOTHING" lasts forever.  The tantrum passes, the sickness heals and their little feet grow.  So while I'm in the middle of my baby's tantrum I can remain a little calmer than I did all those years ago.  But other than that, I still have no answers.  I still crawl under my desk and cry...I still feel at my wits end.  But then a new day comes, a new moment and all is right again.  Thank God that nothing lasts forever.  I wondered today what exactly I'm supposed to be learning from this one.  When I had Luke I just always repeated that God was trying to teach me patience.  And I remember thinking that I wasn't going to make it.  But he's 15 now and he's so bright and beautiful.  He has a heart made of gold...so sensitive, so caring, so giving, so loving.  It was all worth it. 

And I guess that is what I have to hold on to now.  I wonder is God molding him or me?  Either way I wouldn't trade it for the world.  And although it may sound a little strange....It felt so good to cry under the desk!