Yoga

I love yoga..I love the safety that I feel in just being in my body.  No judgements just observing..it is absolutely amazing what I can observe in an hour long practice on the mat.  Today I went into yoga with a purpose, my purpose being to detox my body, to get rid of all of the carrot cake, wine and cheesy goodness that I ate yesterday.  I always crave yoga when I wake up feeling my physical worst. 

But while I was there I got so much more than a detox of the body.  The detox was also cleaning out my brain and there were these wet things dripping from my eyes.  While I was practicing, going from one twist to the next, from one side of the body to the other, I realized that my teeth were clenched.  My bottom jaw is so tight.  I am holding on to something. Oh and it is hurting me!  I twist some more and some more...some balancing twists. Oh those are rough ones today.  Did you ever notice just how difficult it is to do something when you are trying so hard.  If I could only relax, breath and let it go. Then and only then can I actually receive the benefit of doing the pose.  Why do I continue to force things rigid and holding my breath?  It is so much nicer to just go with the flow.

So I ended my class as I end all classes, in sivasana.  Only this time there are these tears rolling out of my eyes and dripping onto my mat and I can't find the willpower to top them.  So instead I listen to the beautiful sound of Chris' voice and just let them roll.  Heal me Lord.  Here is my pain, my sorrow, my trouble for today.  Take it and heal me.  Thank you Jesus for meeting me on my mat today.  I can't wait for the next time.

the tears and joy of motherhood...

I left this Friday to go have a slumber party with two of my favorite friends.  I was so excited to get away.  I left Mark in his sweat pants lounging around the house.  He had over a week off of school because of a fire in the Science lab.  He asked me to pray for him.  He was nervous about his very first drill this weekend.  I have to confess, I was a little nervous for him.

I can't even believe I left before he had to go.  I am making great strides in letting him go.  Although I couldn't sleep all night and woke up countless times thinking, I hope he gets up on time.  But he made it there all by himself. 

When he walked in Sunday afternoon all I could do was cry.  He looked so handsome, so grown up, so much like a young man.  When I left he was still my little boy and now 2 days later he's all grown up.  I'm so so proud.  I pray that God takes care of him and shows him what he needs to do.  I pray that he keeps him safe. 

It is unbelievable to me how fast a child's life is.  I feel like I just had him on my belly saying hello for the very first time.  And now he's a man.  Thank you Lord for seeing us through to this point.  Thank you for keeping him safe and for always helping me to raise him.  Thank you for leading me to the recruiter.  I believe with all of my heart that thisis where he is supposed to be and that he will grow into a wonderful man. 

Oh Mark I love you so much!  Be Blessed my son!

James 1:4

It's funny but for years I've memorized the verse James 1:2-3 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers , wheneveryou face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."  But last night, I read past that verse and on to the next one. 1:4 "Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."  and then not 2 minutes later Sarge pissed right on the page.  Yes, all over my Bible...AH perseverance!  Lord, I'm not sure how mature and complete I'm getting. But I am sure that I am losing my strength.  I can't feel you working.  I know you are ALWAYS there yet, I can't find you.  I'm so very tired and looking for rest.  Maybe I'm looking for the wrong type of rest.  I am not good at waiting and I know that is what I'm doing right now.  Perhaps that's what you are wanting me to do.  Graciously wait for you to fix these problems.  I pray that for today I can wait, I can persevere, I can be patient and trust that you have got this under control.  I also pray for my husband as he is needing your hand on him today.  Please help him to relax and to understand that it's only a job.  Please give us the peace that we know is right at our fingetips.  Show us how to reach for it and how to rest in you.  In Jesus name I pray!  AMEN

it's funny

It's funny that no matter how many times I have raised a two year old, or how many I've been around that they can still stump me.  You never get your PhD in motherhood.  I don't think that you ever "graduate".  I thought that by the time Noah came along I'd have this all down pat.  But boy was I wrong.  The little man stumps me daily.  He leaves me breathless and frustrated to the point of tears.  I'm still clueless as to what to do next with him.  When he is having his fits in the grocery store or in the house, I still find myself scrambling to figure out what to do.  I try this and that...but nothing seems to "work like a charm".  The only thing that I have learned in the past 18 years of being a mommy is that "NOTHING" lasts forever.  The tantrum passes, the sickness heals and their little feet grow.  So while I'm in the middle of my baby's tantrum I can remain a little calmer than I did all those years ago.  But other than that, I still have no answers.  I still crawl under my desk and cry...I still feel at my wits end.  But then a new day comes, a new moment and all is right again.  Thank God that nothing lasts forever.  I wondered today what exactly I'm supposed to be learning from this one.  When I had Luke I just always repeated that God was trying to teach me patience.  And I remember thinking that I wasn't going to make it.  But he's 15 now and he's so bright and beautiful.  He has a heart made of gold...so sensitive, so caring, so giving, so loving.  It was all worth it. 

And I guess that is what I have to hold on to now.  I wonder is God molding him or me?  Either way I wouldn't trade it for the world.  And although it may sound a little strange....It felt so good to cry under the desk! 

grammy's

I have wanted to be at the Grammy's since I was a little girl...Something about music, musicians, live performances, fancy dresses, and being free to be you!!!  Oh one day maybe but in the meantime I guess I'll just watch....What was that on Lady Gaga's face???  Why would you wear a mask?? I know why I want to sometimes but really?  And Katy Perry what the heck was that outfit?  Oh but Adele!!! She is so so truly talented...Amazing... She deserved every award that she won.  And to finish off with Paul McCartney is just classic and wonderful. 

I can't help but get tears in my eyes over Whiteny Houston.  People are just plain awful when they say things about people dying from their own demise.  I think that is the worst way to go.  I can't help but feel awful for her and her daughter that is left behind.  So sad that people can't grasp that she was a human being just like you and me... Just because she was famous and an amazing talent doesn't mean that she wasn't real.

Before I even started my yoga class this morning people were talking about her and not in a very positive light.  Why?  What is wrong with everyone?  I know compassion isn't always my strong point either but COME ON!  The woman died.  She had friends. She had family.  She had children.  She had fans. She had a life.  I'd hate to see what would happen if one of them fell on hard times and couldn't find a way out.  She needed Jesus just like all of us.  

Jesus, Love, Peace, Compassion and some kick ass music...those are the things we need in life... oh yeah and maybe some yoga!!!  :)

Belonging

For some reason this word "belonging" keeps popping into my head.  It's a word, a concept that I am constantly pondering.  I'm not so sure I ever "belonged" anywhere.  I danced when I was young, yet never felt like I "belonged" with them.  I had friends in school but never "belonged" in a certain click.  I was on the cheerleading squad, and still the idea of belonging was foreign to me.  I am not sure if the word is supposed to have an attached feeling to it or not.  But for me, I guess it does.

I never felt like I belonged in my family...I never belonged at parties or with certain groups of friends.  I never felt like I belonged at church or ccd when I was young.  I take yoga, I teach yoga, yet that sense of belonging is still missing.  All the yogis talk about this community, this belonging...what is wrong with me?  I've even tried to belong in places that one would really not want to belong to. 

I guess the short and tall of it is that I only feel like I belong to God.  He is the only one that "gets" me all the time.  He laughs at my dumb jokes...he cries with me when I'm in pain....He picks me up when I fall.... He leads me and guides me..so I think that if I could just stay right where I belong, I won't feel so uncomfortable in all of those places that I don't belong.  I thank you Jesus for finding me, for giving me a place to belong.  I know that it's not here on this earth doing earthly things...

People can belong to groups, families, organizations, communities....the only place that really satisfies that need for belonging for me is Jesus. 

A do-over is in order

I woke up this morning to Mark telling me he overslept.  So move your butt and get out of here.  And as I tell him that Avery, who had snuck into my bed last night, thought I was talking to her.  So she is in her room hiding under her blankets.  In the meantime I have Noah whining and fussing as usaual.  If this kid EVER learns how to sleep in his own bed I'll be absolutely amazed.

Joey never came to be last night.  And when he got home from the gym, I found myself wishing he'd just go back where he came from.  But I continue on with my plans to make this a Happy St. Patrick's Day.  I start putting everything in the crock pot and knock over my entire cup of coffee.  AAAHHH can I tell you how hard it is to stay in his peace and contentment.

But here I am at 8:50 about an hour and a half later, and his grace was on me this morning.  Because through all of my chaotic morning I haven't lost my temper yet.  Now that is unbelievable.  The Lord is so good, so loyal and so true.  That he has given me a new heart with a new perspective on life is unbelievable.  I honestly didn't deserve it.   

I love how the Lord makes everything work for His glory.  He's always teaching me something.  Even in my trials there is a truth and a lesson to be learned.  Tonight as I was thinking about my morning I realized that being a mom means so many things.  One thing that it means is that I'm always on duty.  So I need to pray for my upcoming morning the night before.  I need to pray all day long in order to stay near to him. 

There is always going to be trials.  Some are going to be little everyday trials and some are going to be big trials.  I think that the little ones prepare us for the big ones.  They show us how to deal with upsets and spilled coffee.  I am still so selfish.  I still want everything to go my way but I'm learning how to accept when things don't go as I've planned. 

Thank you Jesus for this day.  Thank you for granting me peace in a chaotic world.  I have no idea how I lived before we met.  But I'm so grateful to know you now.  You are my comfort, my shield, my resting place and my savior.  You allow me to have a do-over whenever I need it. 2 Corinthians 3:17  Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

so proud...

Lately I am so filled with pride for my boys...I have always heard that teenagers are awful.  From the time my boys were born I can recall hearing countless times..."just wait until they are teenagers"  like it was some kind of threat or something.  And knowing the type of teenager that I was, I took these threats very seriously.  I was totally prepared for the worst...(or at least I thought so). 

You know what?  They were all wrong.... I'm so glad...I'm also glad that I am not sure who "they" were.  These teenage years have been some of the best years of my motherhood.  When you have teenagers you can actually talk with them.  Listen to them..Dream with them...Now I'm not saying that everything was absolutely perfect. There were definitely days, even weeks that were rough.  But overall I think I'll take a teenager (teenage boy that is) over a three year old most days.

So I'm so very proud lately of both of them...Mark is taking his National Guard entrance test  right now.  It's such a tough thing as a mom to encourage your son to go do something difficult, to send him off.  Yet I know that God has a plan for him and I firmly believe that I would be doing a big disservice to Mark if I wasn't pushing him....but wow is it tough.  I want to cry.  I want to hold him tight and not let him go.  I want him to stay my baby Marky forever...I am so grateful to have the Lord to lean on during this time.  I know that this is what He expects of me too.  I feel as though I'm helping Mark get those wings that he needs to fly...and of all the years and trials of raising a boy on my own (for the most part) this has been the most difficult part.  Letting them go is the hardest part of being a mom by far...

But after you let them go it is so awesome to watch them grow into the young men that they are meant to be.  I had to let Luke go a couple years earlier...definitely earlier than I wanted or had anticipated...But what a young man he is becoming too.  I'm so proud of him as well.  On Sunday he won FIRST place in the JV wrestling tournament...I can't even describe the amount of pride I have watching him win!  The ironic thing is when he was a little boy and first started wrestling, I HATED IT!  I hated watching my baby get twisted up, pushed around and pinned to the ground.  I hated watching him cry because he was hurt and so mad.  But oh how times have changed!!  Now I get an adrenaline rush watching him wrestle and screaming for him to win. 

Oh how I love them both so much!  I pray that the Lord guides them as they are turning into men... and that they listen to his whispers of where He wants them to go.

40 isn't so bad

Well I am now 40...wow!  Time sure does fly. It's amazing to me the amount of things that I have thought about building up to this last birthday.  How did I get here?  Where did the time go? My mom and dad must feel pretty old.  I loved the last decade of my life, it was the best one yet.  I hope I get another 40 years.  What a wonderful life I have! There are so many wonderful people in it.  I can't believe so many people came to my party.  What a fabulous husband I have!  And 4 absolutely amazing children!  How blessed is my entire family that we are all healthy...the list just goes on and on.  If I had a crystal ball when I was young and took a peek in it back when I was young I'd be so happy to see where I am.  I can't imagine my life any other way than the way it is now.  The way that God made it.  I'm so overwhelmed with love...

Of course today was back to the "normal" life...drama, issues, chaos and confusion, attitudes, arguments and the like...but I guess that's life.  I made Mark mad.  I made Joey mad.  I feel guilty.  I didn't play much with either Avery or Noah.  Luke went home.  I'm nervous about tomorrow.  It's kind of funny how depending on what thoughts you focus on you can either feel happy or sad.  I guess our thoughts are a choice too.  I can choose to focus on all of the wrong or I can choose to focus on trying to make the wrongs right.  I can choose attitude or I can choose gratitude.  Today I choose gratitude.  I'm so thankful for all of the things in my life the good and the bad, the ups and the downs.  I'm so thankful that I can keep trying to make things better.